I inject disappointment into my soul at times; to be very honest, college life hasn’t turned out as great as I expected it to be. The people are okay. I’m gradually getting to know them better now but no one has the time to really stop, and care for the intellectual, artistic aspects of life. No one seems to care about genuine creativity and learning, and more or less, we all are focused towards scraping a grade. I can’t blame us now, can I? After all, we’re paying quite a lot and we need to score good ‘to fit in‘. 

So is this the place that invokes the thirst for learning in an individual? Or is it always the curious ones who make the mark?

As far as my experience at LUMS goes, the latter gathers more conviction as time flies by. At the end of the day, I feel hollow. I feel that I’m not growing as an individual and I’m not really learning anything. 

This makes me inexplicably sad, and I’m quite good at concealing this wretched state (Haha, right). 

Yesterday wasn’t really an exception to the normal day at LUMS. Same old classes, same old story. I spent the previous night coding away for a project, so naturally, when I entered my Chemistry class, I lost half of my wits to sleep right after five minutes.

But the other half was still listening

And perhaps all that one needs is that moment where things turn around; that tiny time-frame where suddenly a conclusion to a long-haul is realised. Such a moment is unique and beautiful. 

It may very well be untrue, but living an epiphany is an experience worth having

The topic introduced to the class was Chemical Equilibria, and this got me thinking; are our social and individual experiences also defined by the laws of equilibria? Is their a dual nature to our existence? And to our feelings? All existing and interacting at the same time?

I definitely think so. 

I still have to invest more of some thought into this. As for now, I can only allude to further scientific examples. Let me give you one:

The wave-particle duality!

This theory postulates that a particle behaves both as a wave and a particle at the same time, which can be explained through various scientific experimental procedures. Kind of beautiful, right?

No? Alright. Read this beautiful line from ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’:

I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

Even though experience and individuality is subjective as opposed to scientific principles and laws, I find the similarity remarkable. Because these days, I AM both happy and sad, and this state of mind confuses me. 

Because sometimes, even though I feel that I have a thousand friends, I feel all alone and empty; completely unheard as no one catches the screaming voice of my soul. 

I guess that’s it for now. I need to give more thought into this because it strikes to me as quite a plausible interpretation. To some, this is fodder for laughter. Good for you, too. 

So maybe a day will come when I won’t have to end a post as abruptly as this. But read carefully. Who knows that this might just be the ending – one that isn’t an ending – that you expected it to be.


2 thoughts on “Pseudo-Epiphany

  1. Whoa Awais, this is really nice. Especially how you relate science to real life. And I completely agree with you that your academic institute should provide you a platform to grow. This is exactly why I love Nixor. It helps you grow, there’s a lot of personal development that’s more than about just getting good grades.

    • Thank you, Alia! Glad you read the piece. Plus, I’m also happy for you that you’re feeling at home when it comes to Nixor. LUMS is really good institution, probably the best here in Pakistan but it still has a long way to go.

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