Sorry if you got the wrong idea – but there is nothing special about today, and perhaps that is the reason why I want to give it all my thought. Why is it that all the moments that we remember in our lives are exhilarating, and full of emotions? Why do we only associate with happiest of memories, or the worst of miseries? Where is the in-between?
I have a habit of forgetting irrelevant things and the white noise, but this habit is depleting into nothingness. Depression often does that to people, because the time stands still, and it feels like you are constantly losing something around you that is important. When I wake up and stare at the clock on the blue wall right in front of me, I hope that it just stops, so that I get the better of both things: waste less time, and enjoy more moments in bed, all alone away from the world outside.
There are so many things I have to do – so many exciting things – that nudge my conscious into thinking that may be, somewhere along the line, I may find solace in them, or simply hack away my depression into the task ahead of me. Like dishwashing. The other day, I just ran up to the kitchen when everyone was away, and cleaned up all the dishes. I was so brainless performing that activity, but it felt extremely good, and human for a change. And I say that ironically, because in doing the dishes, I do not feel anything at all, and I wish for that kind of peace in my life right now, for some reason.
I have been laying in bed all day, wasting my day away. I do not have the energy to get up today and conquer the world. I guess that’s okay, because there will be some other day to do all the things my depression never let me do.