I don’t know how to say this – frankly, this is getting a bit repetitive anyway – but I’ll try getting it out regardless: here I am! For a brief stint meant to clear some thoughts. I am writing this post for the purpose of revitalizing intention: I declare, or hereby intend, to write something about my transition into a new country very, very soon. I simply must. I am ashamed to admit that despite reading a fair amount of literature, ritualistically listening to podcasts, watching videos on online learning platforms and whatnot, there is no substitute to practice. I learned this in my last philosophy course as well. Excellence beseeches a never-ending state of practice. A temporary stop-gap post will not do. As you can tell (or more appropriately, read), my writing prowess (if there was such a thing, to begin with) has attenuated. I am using words that don’t fit. Even if they do, I am never sure. There is a flurry of thoughts every day but I can feel myself weakening at the moment of expression. I simply cannot speak, or write, or express in any shape or form in ways I would really like to. I have tonnes of assignments to write, exams to prepare for and more, and all of this is routine. If there ever was a practice to ruin whatever skills one could hone and acquire, then living with a lack of thought to action each day is it. This is an attempt, a cry and a whimper, directed at myself to pay some heed to my writing. It needs me, and I need it too, more than ever.
People have a fetish: debaters are constantly bickering about meaningless things – everything that could be utterly useless – and they don’t realize it but they are still afforded great attention. An audience is always at their disposal of viewpoints.
It is not too hard to know why.
We have an appetite for the scandalous, bold and dangerous opinion, no matter how much we later try to suppress it. We also have an appetite to engage with such opinions. Most of the debaters are the object of envious contempt and this predisposition has exponentially grown; ‘snobby teens with weak physical frames’ are easy targets, and for most, ‘they have it coming’ because they can outspeak the ‘normal’ with commanding theatrical performances and outwit the same with glossy words and complicated sentence structures. So the only way for the ‘normal’ to turn to is abuse; words start meaning a lot more than they should, and things escalate beyond meager sentences and highly charged verbal spats. Interestingly enough, resorting to other means isn’t a concession; no one believes they are wrong or that they have the weaker argument. It is the debaters; they are the fools who love twisting words and dragging people into unnecessary conflict just for the sake of it. Exceptionally exemplary sadists, in-fact.
My parents tap into a mysterious inner reservoir as soon as they land on a foreign tarmac to become shopaholics. You won’t find these things back home, they say. I agree, just a little differently. I have never been fond of scouring streets one after another to satisfy my shopping demons. I am not fond of trying to locate and fall uncontrollably for an exotic item, a skinny jean (available back home), those 5 Euro tee-shirts on sale and souvenir refrigerator magnets. I am a sucker for museums, trying to find meaning for myself and the life of things around me in abstract art. Food is also of paramount importance. After all, my parents are right; there’s nothing like what you eat here that you will eat back home, so no foreign experience is complete without my palate divulging in alien cuisines. On a tight budget, it does not make any sense to stroll into a Michelin star restaurant and order a 50 Euros upward fancy lunch or dinner: it suffices to pick out the odd Vapianos, random street gelatos that also sell wood-oven pizzas with halal meat, and the infamous Turkish doner kebabs stalls. Berlin is not short of options when it comes to cuisines.
A few minutes ago, I was climbing up the stairs to the first floor of my house. The endeavor is banal and meaningless, but it oddly resembles standing in a hot shower with lots of time on your hands. Thoughts pour in as a new altitude is broken every second until the mind becomes fixated on just one, and today, my thoughts got stuck on my experience (or the lack of it) in hiking up to a mountain. It’s not fitting, to say the least. The comparison appears to be shoddy at best. Climbing a stairway should not remind you of climbing a dangerous mountain capable of terraforming its own weather. The allure, however, is too leechy to pass away.
I hate emotional triggers that are evoked instantaneously. I hate the way this activity induces unwelcomely symptoms, which later or immediately manifest physically. My professor returned an assignment today and despite the awareness of all the flaws it carried as well as the weak spots I could have worked upon, I expected things to go better. Writing is cathartic, but it can still inflict an anxiety that speaks violently inside my head throughout the day. I fear that poor writing may not be the culprit; my struggles with life on a daily basis keeps me on my toes and stifles my brain power in unexpected ways, at moments most monumental.
I am slowly being consumed by an obsession to write with heart, clarity, longevity and precision. The obsession is fresh and subtle, hovering above me and poking my conscience to screen words across any screen I encounter for the purpose of eliciting a judgment. Time will help me determine if feeding to such an obsession is optimal, but for now, it has prompted me to take measures – or think about them at least – that I would otherwise not be interested in. I want to find my lost voice in the classroom, participate in a discussion and make it meaningful. I want to engage in reviving this blog and write something of worth every day. I want to pick a book and smash through it in a matter of few days. I want to develop a voracious appetite for greatness with an increased intellect.