I stumbled onto a proof that defies the static state of life. Its called ‘letting go’, and there are times when someone eventually, painfully, decides that somethings in life that they once loved, or may be love in present, needs to be ‘let go’ of. That something loved could be writing. That someone could be me. Just kidding. It is writing and it is me.
I have a confession – one that isn’t so dodgy or isn’t as surprising as one would expect – but no matter, it still is a confession, which makes it exciting. I have lived for eighteen years now, and I do not know how to drive. There you go, the inflated balloon has now flown past you with such a demeanour that it doesn’t even deserve a second thought, but whatever. I modestly know how to code, I modestly know how to solve calculus problems and I can even cook the hardest things on the menu, but I have not learned the art of manoeuvring the modern vehicle.
To every confession, there is an underlining story often ignored. The story actually forms the gist of that confession; makes it exciting and gossipy as it should be. Why is it ignored, then? Simple. You don’t question about the ingredients of a Lindt chocolate that you enjoy – you merely consume it, revelling in it’s seemingly everlasting taste that can lift moods. I can safely assume that you are all smart enough to recognise the potency of this analogy, so may be I won’t draw the connection to an obvious point; not by the words at-least.
Today, I am going to reveal to whoever that reads my blog a ‘treasure’ I had kept to myself for a long time. My college essay is not really a ‘good college essay’ so may be you should not really look to seek inspiration from it. It’s a personal essay expressed in what many would say – an ‘impersonal manner’. Nonetheless, it reminds of how once I used to harbour dreams of studying in an American Liberal Arts College. Those dreams, albeit remain in tatters, still remind me of how beautiful and tense and exciting this phase in life can actually be. Now that I’m on a gap year, I crave for such things again but perhaps I won’t fulfil the urge this time – too many ‘No’s’ have I bore; not anymore.
WALKING THROUGH LIFE
Yes we live, but how many of us are consciously aware of it? Too often we are caught in the flow of routine; at any given instant, maybe right now, before you know it, this river of life may abruptly end into a black ocean. How do you stop the roar of the waves and listen to the voice inside your head, then? How do you hack your identity and give it meaning? Some write; some travel; I choose to walk.
It’s usually hard to pause for a moment, specially in a life that keeps you revolving from one thing to another, to think about the direction your life is flowing towards. Over the past month, I’ve found this task difficult – the self analysis – and to be honest, I think that sometimes I’d be better without it. However, seeing that my soul consistently runs out of inspiration, it’s only plausible to think back on what you’ve done and to find some solace there.
Solace is something that I ended up far from finding. My past is now a haunting dream, but strangely, as viciously scarred my past might be, it still manages to inspire me. As I ponder over this very thought, I can find links to it in various things around me. Let’s consider Chemistry as an example, the subject that I’m finding to be very pleasing these days. An element has the potential to get oxidized as well to get reduced; however, what might actually happen in reality is relative to each element i.e. some elements tend to get reduced more easily and some tend to get oxidized more easily – yet – they all have the potential to go against their convenience.
And abandoning convenience is not a walk in the park. Most of the students, like me, have a burning desire to attend a good college and pursue what we really are passionate about. However, to achieve that end, we have one way to go by as Hess’ law does not apply here; that way is the way of hardship and struggle, which is quite opposite of what we dream about every now and then.
So what am I enduring right now? I’m enduring the painful experience of recollecting all the dreams that now lie broken like a crippled soul. Those dreams once vented their way into my mind five years ago, and even though they no longer exist, their taste still lingers on and inspires hope and to dream on. I have been forced into taking a gap year, as the only college from where I received a conditional offer, deselected me as I could not fulfill my side of the bargain.
Moreover, I have no friends to talk to in the way I used to back in high school. Everyone, unlike me, is busy with their college work and a newly found life therefore, the quality time we had between ourselves is just nothing more than a really strong memory.
But despite all this, despite all the trauma surrounding me, I can see a glimmer of hope. However, I also see a mountain that I need to climb in order to fully immerse into the goodness beyond it, which I can see only as a glimmer of something. This is perhaps the only thing that is helping me to disobey Newton’s first law – otherwise I would’ve come to halt and remain in that state unless an external, unforeseeable force would’ve acted to liberate me into a dynamic state. There’s this beautiful girl at the Chemistry tuition class too, who I think I pretty much like. But then again, the task is arduous and the time is short. Life can sometimes be very cruel, and we can’t even make an excuse to vindicate ourselves.
Live on, brothers and sisters, and keep taking that difficult path. You only live once and there’s no fun with playing it easy.