Unsung thoughts, I would like to call them. With music slipping through to your ears as you enjoy the comfort of laying back in bed, earphones on, and just silently thinking and evaluating life, never ignore the grandeur of this moment; it is significant.
Often in our lives comes a point where we need an escape. There is just too much going on, and while caught in this robust flow one tends to feel a little nostalgic even over the little peculiarities that he or she once enjoyed in a relatively static moment of life. I would call that robust flow of events ‘college’. I would categorise my escape to be this very blog, because its been quite some time that I’ve actually written something, about anything.
I really don’t know what I’m going to talk about, but I’ll keep writing till this post morphs into something worth reading, and hopefully by then you’ll be there to read it through as well. But really, this isn’t for you. This is for me. This is my escape, and even though it sometime bothers me that no one would read my post, this insecurity won’t last long and this won’t matter for long. This is my space, my escape and that’s about it.
In the early stages of my school-hood, I craved for devoted companionship. The very first bond of ‘friendship’ I made years ago when I started my education was over a packet of biscuits. All I did was to share a piece and Alas, I had a new friend. That special packet of friendship biscuit was joined by a friendship Coke bottle, a friendship crisp packet and several other items. Emotions such as this helped me grow through that stage even though I do not know if they were true and sincere. And perhaps that is what carries weight and would hurt if they weren’t what I think they were.
Having taken enough of barter trade, I realised that human connection is not supposed to be dependent on a ‘material frame’. A mother doesn’t love her child because he or she carries the promise of money for her in the future – she loves her child because the concept of reproduction is strong; it carries significance because that child is her legacy – an indispensable part of her life. A friendship built on a similar structure would be so beautiful and completing. Every moment would be worth more than a carat diamond and the warmth of the morning Sun.
It’s usually hard to pause for a moment, specially in a life that keeps you revolving from one thing to another, to think about the direction your life is flowing towards. Over the past month, I’ve found this task difficult – the self analysis – and to be honest, I think that sometimes I’d be better without it. However, seeing that my soul consistently runs out of inspiration, it’s only plausible to think back on what you’ve done and to find some solace there.
Solace is something that I ended up far from finding. My past is now a haunting dream, but strangely, as viciously scarred my past might be, it still manages to inspire me. As I ponder over this very thought, I can find links to it in various things around me. Let’s consider Chemistry as an example, the subject that I’m finding to be very pleasing these days. An element has the potential to get oxidized as well to get reduced; however, what might actually happen in reality is relative to each element i.e. some elements tend to get reduced more easily and some tend to get oxidized more easily – yet – they all have the potential to go against their convenience.
And abandoning convenience is not a walk in the park. Most of the students, like me, have a burning desire to attend a good college and pursue what we really are passionate about. However, to achieve that end, we have one way to go by as Hess’ law does not apply here; that way is the way of hardship and struggle, which is quite opposite of what we dream about every now and then.
So what am I enduring right now? I’m enduring the painful experience of recollecting all the dreams that now lie broken like a crippled soul. Those dreams once vented their way into my mind five years ago, and even though they no longer exist, their taste still lingers on and inspires hope and to dream on. I have been forced into taking a gap year, as the only college from where I received a conditional offer, deselected me as I could not fulfill my side of the bargain.
Moreover, I have no friends to talk to in the way I used to back in high school. Everyone, unlike me, is busy with their college work and a newly found life therefore, the quality time we had between ourselves is just nothing more than a really strong memory.
But despite all this, despite all the trauma surrounding me, I can see a glimmer of hope. However, I also see a mountain that I need to climb in order to fully immerse into the goodness beyond it, which I can see only as a glimmer of something. This is perhaps the only thing that is helping me to disobey Newton’s first law – otherwise I would’ve come to halt and remain in that state unless an external, unforeseeable force would’ve acted to liberate me into a dynamic state. There’s this beautiful girl at the Chemistry tuition class too, who I think I pretty much like. But then again, the task is arduous and the time is short. Life can sometimes be very cruel, and we can’t even make an excuse to vindicate ourselves.
Live on, brothers and sisters, and keep taking that difficult path. You only live once and there’s no fun with playing it easy.